Friday, March 26, 2010

Spiders

I am a girl and as such I feel that I should be allowed a certain number of ridiculous and irrational fears. Deployments steal your fears and I think it is unfair. Like the sharp ridges on your baby teeth that rip through the gums dull with time and wear so too do the jagged edges of your most innate fears. For me that phobia is spiders. I have always been afraid of spiders. Very afraid. I’m not sure what it is about them that so creeps me out, maybe all of those legs.

When our oldest child was a toddler she was terrified of dogs. Confusingly to me, the smaller the dog the more fearful she was. I remember researching this phenomenon and finding that this is commonly the case with toddlers especially concerning small animals because the child cannot predict the actions of the quick and energetic beasts. Perhaps this is also the case with my spider fear. They are quick and unpredictable. There is even the possibility that they are jumpers – shiver!

During my husband’s last deployment the girls and I lived in our newly purchased house in Missouri. It was our first home and we were ecstatic. We did not know that we would live there together for only a few months. Although we were the first owners of the home it had been built on the foundations of an old barn by a man who worked on it in his spare time. It took the hobbyist (and we would later learn – barely functioning alcoholic) six years to complete his work. Of the various issues and problems we encountered in our new home none was more concerning than the infestation of brown recluse spiders.

Apparently the builder’s slow craftsmanship gave the impression that the building was vacant creating a very inviting atmosphere for our eight-legged squatters. The spiders had been content to reside inside the walls until we moved in and started disturbing their once peaceful abode. The now working pipes and general “people noise” brought the curious spiders out of the woodwork to scrutinize their new roommates. Many mornings during the deployment I would awake to multiple spiders precariously clinging to the ceiling above my head. I would like to say that the toxic nature of this particular species of spider made them even more terrorizing but the truth is I found all spiders terrifying poisonous or not. My heart racing and sweat beading on my brow I would garner the courage to eliminate the spiders in defense of my children as any good mother would do. If ever there was a visitor present during such an encounter they would quickly be recruited to do the dirty work. On one occasion a visiting friend was in the bathroom changing her shirt when I burst in on her demanding that she kill the spider in the bedroom, now, now, NOW!!! As the deployment went on however the fear gradually began to dissipate. Eventually I could massacre a wall full of spiders without terror or remorse.

Last night I had a dream about my husband and spiders. I could see him but I couldn’t get to him. He was in some sort of a room and I was pleading with him from the outside of the doorway to come home. All around the inside of the doorway clung red, pulsing, fat-bodied spiders. The discussion had nothing to do with the spiders (although I am certain they served some symbolic purpose) but with his being deployed and my fears for his safety. I read once that dreaming of spiders is lucky. I think they are supposed to indicate future fortune. As often as I have had spider themed nightmares I should be a millionaire. In the dream I couldn’t get my husband to listen to me. If was like talking to him over the phone with that horribly long delay. I felt so helpless. I woke up my body shaking with phantom sobs and overflow fear. The girls were yelling for me from the kitchen with panic in their voices.

Groggily I threw on my robe and staggered toward the crisis. Ironically, their panic was spider induced. How there was a live spider on the kitchen ceiling in March, in Alaska, was more intriguing to me than the satirical situation. The girls chanted “kill it, kill it, KILL IT!” I stood on a chair and calming coaxed the spider onto a section of newspaper. I then opened the patio door and gently shook him onto the deck. Although I couldn’t bring myself to outright kill this miracle winter spider, I probably issued more of a death sentence then I was willing to admit by releasing him outside into the cold. And then it hit me. I’m not really scared of spiders anymore. I don’t really care about spiders one way or the other. I still “say” I’m scared, but I’m not, not really. I think it’s fair to say they still give me the willies, but the fear has been well, exterminated.

But it’s good to overcome one’s fears right? What concerns me is the general dulling of emotions that come with repeat exposure to negative situations. It’s not only my fears that I notice being exhausted it’s the good emotions too. I don’t want to lose what makes me, me. I fear that is happening more with each deployment. Well, at least I still have some fears:) I think there is a sort of defensive Novocain administered by the brain when it recognizes a painful situation is on the way. I don’t want to become this anesthetized person that doesn’t really feel life. I guess in a way I want to be afraid of spiders. They remind me that I’m alive.

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