Day 1 Done

I wrote "365" on my calendar a week ago when we first got the news regarding this deployment. We were totally blindsided by all of this. My husband had been home from a 2 month school only 3 days when we found out that he would be serving a year in Afghanistan. We were in fact on our way to the elementary school to pick up our two oldest daughters so that we could celebrate a welcome home Daddy dinner when the phone call came. My husband was still on the phone with his commander when I stumbled out onto the sidewalk into the biting Alaska cold to meet the girls. I felt sick to my stomach. The smile on a waiting friends face instantly vanished upon seeing mine. I tried to fake a little grin and wave but I couldn't do it. She's a military wife and she knew without words what my face meant. I could feel the tears starting to well up - and I am NOT a crier!!! When she came in for the hug I did a quick double tap on the back and was out. I had to get myself together for the girls. My 6 year old Lynn was out the door with the bell full of smiles and stories about the day. I had forgotten that our 9 year old Brynne had choir practice and would need to be picked up an hour later. While my husband went back to pick her up and after I had made a snack for the other two, I quickly retreated to the downstairs bathroom and had a quiet racking sob on the floor of the bathtub. The thought of telling the girls - I just couldn't - I cannot explain this even now what that feels like to tell a child their Daddy is leaving again for an amount of time so massive they cannot fully comprehend it. To a child a year is a lifetime. But of course we did tell them. Little eyes darted back and forth from Mom to Dad to each other with confusion and disbelief. And then of course the tears came. Except for Lynn - she rarely cries. She reminds me of myself. She told me just tonight that she doesn't like to cry, she feels things on the inside unless they hurt so bad that she can't help it. In a way this makes me even sadder than her big sister who is a faucet of emotions. And Dani the four year old, well - how do you explain this to a four year old?

At some point I am going to start posting fun, joyous and humorous things - I promise! Right now I feel beaten. I am angry, I am sad, I am everything that is expected of a woman in my position I suppose. Today I crossed "365" off the calendar though so we are already one day closer to making it through this.